Presence Beats Polish: What Families Really Need After Loss
A Community Grief Workshop with The Stephan Center and Victoria Stephan
When grief shows up, most people worry they’ll say the wrong thing. They fear tears will be “too much,” anger will be “inappropriate,” or they’ll be judged for not having the right words.
At our recent Grief Workshop—hosted by Thomas Miller Mortuary in partnership with The Stephan Center and led by founder Victoria Stephan—one message landed with calm clarity:
Families don’t need perfect words. They need steady people.
That steadiness is what we want every family to experience when they walk through our doors—and what we hope this recap offers you today.
Grief Is More Than Death
Victoria invited us to widen our understanding of loss. A “life loss,” she shared, can be a separation from a person, pet, place, item, or event. That includes death, but also divorce, moving, retirement, a child leaving home, changing careers, even the loss of health or ability as we age.
Why does this matter? Because families rarely arrive carrying only one loss. Often, a recent death reawakens older grief—sometimes grief they didn’t realize they were still holding.
There Is No Timeline
One of the most relieving moments for many attendees was hearing this stated plainly: There is no correct timeline for grief.
Our culture often tries to move grief along quickly. People may feel pressured by work, by extended family, or by “well-meaning” comments that imply they should be doing better by now. Victoria named this pressure for what it is—unhelpful expectations that can make grief heavier.
If you’re grieving: you’re not behind.
If you’re supporting someone grieving: patience is a form of love.
Stages Aren’t Steps
The workshop reviewed common grief “stages” (denial, anger, bargaining, deep sadness, acceptance), but with an important update: these are not steps to complete.
Grief can shift hour to hour, moment to moment. One participant described waking in deep sadness, feeling anger by afternoon, then cycling again. Victoria affirmed that this is normal—especially in the early months.
This is why we strive to meet families with flexibility and compassion. The grief you bring today may not look like the grief you bring tomorrow.
Old Normal to New Normal
One of the most helpful reframes was around bargaining—not as “making deals,” but as the process of adjusting from the old normal to the new normal.
Victoria offered a visual: like crossing monkey bars, grief requires letting go of one rung to reach the next. There’s a moment in the middle that can feel scary and unsteady—because it is.
This is why gentle support matters. Not pressure. Not pushing. Just steady care as families find their footing again.
Two Styles of Grieving
Victoria also introduced two common grief styles:
- Intuitive grievers tend to process emotionally, talk more, cry more, and find comfort in tangible items and memories.
- Instrumental grievers tend to process privately and cognitively, stay busy, talk less, and may “do” more than they “share.”
Neither is right or wrong. But differences can create misunderstanding inside families—especially around belongings, decisions, and “how someone should act.”
When we normalize both styles, families experience less conflict and more understanding.
Support Without Fixing
The most practical takeaway: you don’t have to have perfect words to be supportive.
Simple phrases can hold a grieving person without trying to solve them:
- “How are you today?”
- “No need to respond—I’m thinking of you.”
- “I’m here. I don’t have to fix this to stay with you.”
- “Your friendship matters. Can we do something smaller for now?”
Grief doesn’t need to be managed. It needs to be witnessed.
We’re Here, and We’re Grateful You Are Too
We’re deeply thankful to Victoria Stephan and The Stephan Center for leading this workshop and for providing ongoing grief education and resources for our community.
If you attended, thank you for your openness. If you couldn’t attend, we hope this summary reminds you: grief is human, and you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’d like help finding local grief resources or support options, please contact us. We’re here to walk alongside you—steadily, gently, and without judgment.